Here are a few things I’ve learned in the past year:

1. When I compare myself to someone else, I can only compare my insides to their outsides. And it’s not a valid comparison. Most people look waaaayyyy more together on the outside than they feel on the inside (myself included).

2. Hurt people hurt people.  People who say and do hurtful things usually learned it from someone else.

3. Most people don’t wake up in the morning thinking, “I think I’ll be an asshole today.”  I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again: most people are just doing the best they can.

4. Shame is a bitch of an emotion.  You can’t see someone else’s shame, because we all mask it with other things, like anger and frustration, because shame is so shameful that we’re even ashamed of being ashamed.  I think a lot of really bad behavior comes from shame, but it’s so hard to recognize it in other people.

5. It’s kind of stupid to worry about things that are going to happen in the future, because it never works out exactly the way you think it’s going to.  So all that dress rehearsal was just time wasted.

6. There’s nothing you can do to change the past, so you might as well learn what you can from it and then let it go (or at least try to just think about the good stuff.)

7. You might as well beat your head against a wall trying to get someone else to do something they really don’t want to do. This is true if they’re 3, or 43, or 93. You may have leverage, but you got no control.

8. Riding in a car with someone who’s just learning to drive is a really scary experience. 

 (Sorry, had to throw that one in there.)

I love karma…except when it bites me in the ass.

Yesterday, Tim received in the mail a traffic citation for making a right turn on red.  (Actually, I received it, as the van is registered in my name.) Complete with a photo of our vehicle making said turn. A $100 ticket.

And I was quietly fuming, as the last thing we need right now is a an extra $100 fee for anything.  So I made it clear to him that paying the ticket was his responsibility, as the mistake was his.

So imagine my surprise today, when I came out of my Saturday Al-anon meeting, listened to my voicemail messages, and found a message from the Oak Park Police Department, notifying me that my van was blocking someone’s driveway, and asking if I would please come and move it.  As I ran to the van, I saw the ticket on the windshield, and the cop parked across the street. As I got closer, I saw the garage door open, with two cars inside, both unable to move because I was blocking their exit.  (In my defense, the snow was piled so that I couldn’t see that it was a driveway and not a sidewalk, and there are so  many signs on the street it’s really difficult to tell from the signs where you can park and where you can’t.) The cop was really nice and said that he had to give me a ticket, which I graciously  accepted (I really did, I’m serious).  The $20 fee (which I thought would be much higher, given that the ticket for an expired meter is $30 in Oak Park) was nothing compared to the feeling of knowing that I had probably prevented this family from going to ballet class, or out to breakfast, or to do last-minute Christmas preparations, given that it’s December 20.  I consider myself lucky – I really deserved more than a $20 ticket for inconveniencing this family for an hour.

So there, Miss High and Mighty. What do you have to say for yourself now?

I’ve made a decision.  On the recommendation of my friend Betsy, I’m sending Valentine’s Day cards this year.  Said another way, I’m not sending Christmas cards. 

I love to receive Christmas cards. I love to see how my friends’ kids changed in a year’s time.  Who went through a growth spurt, who changed from toddler to little boy, who started out looking like Mom and now looks like Dad.  And I know that you have to give to receive.

But the holidays can be crazy and stressful (I always feel like for one month, Christmas adds a full-time job on top of the two full-time jobs and many part-time jobs I already have.) So it’s really important for me to focus on activities that feed my soul.  Things that bring me joy, things that are becoming traditions within our family, things that help me connect with the people I love, and things that help me connect with my Higher Power.  And far from feeding my sould, sending Christmas cards is, for me, one big soul-sucking adventure.  For one thing, there are just too many steps involved.  Step 1 – get the kids into nice clothes that sort of match. Step 2 – get the kids to pose for a picture, preferably in front of the tree.  Step 3 – select a photo and order the prints. Step 4 - buy the cards. Step 5 - write a Christmas letter (or even worse, write a message on each card).  Step 6 - put the address label and the return label on. Step 7 – put the stamps on.  Step 8 - go to the post office and mail the goddamn things.  I always feel like crying “uncle” around Step 5, but I can’t really stop there after I’ve put so much effort into it already.

There are so many other things I enjoy doing to prepare for Christmas, and some that I don’t but aren’t optional.  I love trimming the tree, I love baking cookies, I love singing in our annual Advent Lessons and Carols program at church. (Did I say “so many other things”? I meant “3″.)  I don’t love shopping and I detest wrapping, but I pretty much have to do those things or I’d be extremely unpopular in my house.

I can’t just eliminate sending cards altogether, or I fear I’ll be dropped from everyone’s Christmas card list within two years.  And in addition to those photos, I do enjoy that once-a-year catch-up that the Christmas cards bring from far-away friends who…now…all…happen…to…be…my…friends….on…Facebook…and…know…every…detail…

On second thought, never mind.  Bye-bye cards, Christmas or Valentine’s Day.  You served your purpose, but you’re now gone from my life forever.